I was just reading an article on another blog Tell It Like It Is and when I left a comment, I thought “I’ve been meaning to write about this“, so I came back to do it. But as I have been writing it, I realize it is a big subject, so I’m afraid I have to put it into a couple of parts. So please bear with me and take in what this one has to offer, and come back to read more.

I am a firm believer in following a principle I was taught by Stan Dale, the founder of HAI (Human Awareness Institute).

He said: “Ask for 100% off what you want……[here's the important part]…and be willing to hear “no” for an answer……… (There’s actually a bit more, but I want to talk about the basic idea.)

Experience has shown me that one of the main reasons many of us are unhappy in our relationships is because we are not getting the things we want and need from our partner. Hmmm…..That seems very obvious doesn’t it: “”i’m not happy because I’m not getting what I want & need.”

But is it realistic to expect to get what we want and need - that is “get our needs met” - when we don’t clearly say what those needs are?

Oh wait - I think I remember something about couples in relationships, especially those in long-term relationships. It goes something like this::

“My partner should know what I want and need. That makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? After all, they have been around me awhile. They “know” what I like and don’t like. I’m sure I have told them many, many times. They should remember. Really, we are so connected they should be able to read my mind! They should be able to know (or remember) what I want and need without me telling them. I shouldn’t have to keep asking for the things I need. ……. In fact, now that I think about it, if they don’t know exactly what I want and need, it is obviously because they don’t really love me (or don’t love me enough).”

Opps! That isn’t where I wanted to go. But is that familiar to any of you? We aren’t happy because we don’t get our needs met, and it is our partner’s fault. Have any of you ever gone to that place before? I know I have.

So I want to propose a different way to look at the whole idea of getting our needs met by our partner. I want to propose that it is OK for us to actually let our partner know the things we want and need from them. I want to propose that “It is OK to ask for what we want and need”.

BUT there’s another very important part of that. It is that when we ask for something from out partner, we do so with the belief in our heart that it will be OK for them to say “no” to our request. And to understand that if they say “no”, that doesn’t mean they don’t love us. There can be many reasons for them not to be able to honour our request in the moment we ask. And the reason they say “no” is almost certainly not because they don’t love us.

Does any of this resonate with any of you? I will say more about it, but I would love to hear what any of you think about the basic concept: “It’s OK to ask for what you want.”

That’s all for right now. I am going off to a weekend workshop so probably won’t be able to continue until next week.

Love and Hugs to you all. - Bob

I often get calls from men who are looking for “more pleasure, more enjoyable sex, something more” in their relationships. They might have heard a bit about the ancient art of Tantra, and think, “It’s all about having better sex.” They wonder if that’s what they need. Sometimes they think they have a problem that’s all their fault, and has nothing to do with their partner: “I’m not relaxed enough.” “I climax too quickly.” “I can’t perform well.”

My first question to them is always, “Have you and your partner talked about this?” The answer is usually, “No, we don’t talk about intimacy or sexuality.”

In my experience, an intimacy issue in a relationship never belongs to only one person. It belongs to both - it’s a dynamic you create together and it’s foundational to your love and connection.

As an example, we have recently been working with a man, Simon, in his early 40’s. He and his first love from school, Nora, (not their real names) got married at twenty. They were each other’s first sexual partners. Nora & Simon were both brought up similarly. In their families, sex was a totally taboo subject and there was no physical intimacy or outward evidence of love between their parents.

Simon & Nora are acting out in their marriage the same scenarios they experienced when growing up. They never talk about intimate feelings, have little physical contact and don’t cuddle. When they do have sex, which is rare, the lights are out, there is no foreplay or loving verbal communication, and it is over very quickly.

When Simon came to us he was desperate. He felt completely starved of physical closeness and loving connection. He was clear that he loves Nora, but he knew something important was missing from their relationship. He didn’t know what it was and had no idea of how to find it.

Simon is finally starting to discover and define what he wants and desires, and - most important - he is starting to communicate his needs to Nora.

This is a slow, sometimes even scary, journey for Simon & Nora. But Simon is courageously leading the way and managing to create closeness and loving communication with Nora, without blaming her or scaring her off. The relief he is feeling, as he connects more deeply with the woman he loves, is clearly evident.

So what did we recommend to help them?

First: TALK and really listen to each other.
Own the feelings as your own and share them with your partner. “I feel sad that we aren’t making love often these days,” or “I feel worried that I’m not enjoying our sex as much as I’d like.”
Speak about the difficulties and disappointments. Emphasize that you’re not blaming, nor are you taking the blame. “I’d love to see what we can do about this together.”

Second, KEEP ON TALKING and own the feelings that come up. And keep on loving each other honestly. Stay away from blaming and keep a sense of loving appreciation for your partner’s honesty and vulnerability.

Let the love flow. Rest and absorb the new things you’re discovering about each other. Look into each other’s eyes and let it all unfold. The way forward is gentle and together. You owe it to yourself and your relationship.

Do these things and you will have made a great start!

Priyatama

I was a bit hesitant to go to the networking evening, because I didn’t know what to expect, but Priyatama (my wife & business partner) thought we should go, and being the accommodating and obedient husband that I am, I said “OK”. So we packed up a bunch of our business cards, “Intimacy Works!” info cards, and events flyers, and off we went to attend a”Networking 4 Therapists” evening. (There’s a part of me that feels that everyone in the world knows about what “networking” is and does, and that I was the only person without any real knowledge of it.)

Before you say: “I’m not interested in networking”, stay with me for a bit. This isn’t about networking itself, but yet again another example of an experience that caused me to “remember” something that I already knew was important to me, but I had let slip out of my conscious awareness.

But first, I went into the evening thinking that I would have the opportunity to tell others about what Priyatama and I offer people, and see what other people in the therapy field might have to offer to us.

The evening started with people speaking their definitions of what networking was. The consensus was that networking was about making connections of a two-way nature. (I looked it up in Wikipedia which gave me absolutely no help, but the dictionary did, defining it as: “A supportive system of sharing information and services among individuals and groups having a common interest.”)

Having defined what networking was, we were then told that we should approach meeting other people during this evening with the primary intention of finding out about them, not telling them about us. That was not quite what I had thought I would do, but I decided to try it, and we then jumped into a “speed-networking” process. (Like “speed-dating” if you know what that is.) We formed two concentric circles, paired with someone in the other (inner/outer) circle, and off we went with exactly 60 seconds to learn about the person in front of us. Then we would switch, with them having a minute to learn all about us - who we were, what we did, what we offered to people, and anything else they were interested in about us. Then “STOP!“, “Step to the left to a new partner” and “Begin!“, again for 60 seconds each, then on to the next person.

I want to say it was quite a process! Listening, I found it really interesting to hear what my partner had to say, and occasionally I asked questions of them to hone in about something I wanted to know more about or clarify. From the other side, I found that I had to get increasingly clear about exactly what Priyatama and I offered to people, and specifically what I thought was important to tell them in one minute.

What was unexpected and valuable was that I found I connected with some people who might be able to help me with something outside of the therapy-focused service they were there to promote. (I usually discovered this in speaking with them in more detail after the end of the “speed-networking” portion on the evening.)

So in connecting with these “new” people, who I discovered might be able to assist me in some aspect of my life, I was reminded that:

I don’t have to do it all alone.
I don’t have to do everything myself.
I can ask for help.
I can get support from others.
which can be extended to mean
It is OK to need others.

That’s quite a lot to realize, but for me (and I believe a lot of others) it’s easy to forget those things. Very frequently I think: “I can do it myself!” Actually, more often I think: “I must do it myself!“. This happens much more often for me than it seems to for Priya (usually). I don’t like to generalize, but I think that way of thinking is more of a man thing than a woman thing. (Have you read John Grey’s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus“? While I enjoyed reading it, I certainly don’t agree with all of it. I believe that men and women are much more alike on a core level than they are different, but the book does have some things to say that I think are valid. If you read it, I suggest you don’t consider it all to be THE TRUTH. Read what Wikipedia says.)

Back to my point. When we are part of a partnered relationship, regardless if it is romantic, family, business, friendship, or a casual encounter, we need to remember that virtually all relationships work better when the connection includes “sharing” on at least some level. In the work Priya and I do with people, especially couples, one of the things we emphasize is the importance of the “partnership” aspect of relationships. To us, this is one of the basic parts of any type of successful relationship - from new and casual to long-term, committed.

But in order for a true “partnership” to exist, both people have to be willing to not only give, but also - and in some ways even more important - to be able to receive. And if you take the attitude “I can do it all myself”, that doesn’t leave much room to receive what your partner wants to give.

We ask in our courses and workshops: “How many of you think you are better at giving than receiving?” and then: “How many of you are better at receiving?”

How did you answer those questions? Our experience is that most people are much better “givers” that “receivers”. But did you ever stop to think that if in a relationship both people are so focused on giving, that there is no one there to receive what is being offered? How do you feel when you want to lovingly and willingly give to your partner, but your offer is turned away because: “I can do it myself.” or “I don’t want to ask for (or accept) help.” or “I don’t need support. I’ll deal with it myself.”

How does that make you feel when you want to support and help your partner - or anyone you are connecting with - and they seem to push you away?

So I think there is an important thing to be learned here. When you can accept that “You don’t have to do it alone!” That “It’s OK to need others.” what you are doing is opening up your capacity to connect with others. And connecting with others is what relationships are all about.

I know this! I know it works for me! I know it makes the relationship I have with Priyatama - and most others in my life - fuller, richer, deeper.

And even knowing that - as well as I do - I still sometimes forget it.

So, I encourage you all to see the value of asking for - and graciously accepting - help and support in your life.

It’s OK to need others!

You don’t have to do it alone!

If any of this strikes a chord - resonates - with you, we would love to hear from you. Please comment on your experiences, or feel free to raise questions here. Let us and others know how you feel about what I have written here.

Namaste & Love to you all. Bob

My experience is that when I am dealing with difficult things, it is easy to feel very much alone. Especially when the issue might have to do with Priya, so I don’t always feel I can go directly to her about it. I think I also can easily fall into the trap of: “I have to do it myself.” (Does that sound familiar to anyone?) I don’t like to generalize, but I believe that men get that “do it by myself” feeling more than women do. While I have both male and female friends that I can be intimate with (I do not mean “sexual”), I find my tendency is to want to go off by myself and figure things out on my own, discover a solution - or maybe just let my feelings dissipate, and then “come out of my cave” and return to my life.

Let me talk about this “come out of my cave”. I am sometimes amazed how differently Priya and I deal with difficult situations or conflict in our relationship. She generally wants to immediately discuss what is going on, while I want to withdraw and separate myself for a while. To “go off into my cave”.

Can you see how these different ways of wanting to deal with things can actually escalate the difficulty; increase the conflict? It happens with us - except that when we are able to be aware that dynamic is happening, we are usually able to deal with it in a way that supports both of our needs and feelings. (Exactly how we do this will be the subject of an upcoming article in our newsletter. If you haven’t yet subscribed, you can sign up here.)

But back to my original “reminder” that I got from the Valentines workshop. I remembered that I am not totally unique in what I experience in my relationships. Well, that’s not quite true, in that I have a uniqueness that is truly mine alone, and so everything I experience cannot be exactly like what other people experience in similar situations. But it does mean that I’m not totally alone in whatever I am going through. Others have been there before - and have (usually) survived the experience, and have hopefully even grown from it.

What I need to remember is that when I am faced with something difficult in my life, whether in relationship or not, I can get help with it, usually from friends, sometimes from other sources. I don’t have to carry the entire burden - solve the entire problem - alone. I can actually ask for - and usually receive - help from others. Simple!

I think we all know the phrase: “It is easier said than done.” A wise person from whom I have learned much (Dr. Stan Dale), used to say: “Saying something is simple is not the same as saying it is easy.” So I won’t pretend that being aware of what is going on for both myself and another person I may be in a bit of unease, discomfort, or even difficulty with is always easy. But my experience is that if I can open myself up to looking at them with love, compassion, understanding, I can think: “We’re both really alike. We both have feelings, and we both can have a difficult time dealing with problems and conflicts.” If I can remember that, my interaction with the other person can more easily come from a place of love, and that can make our communications work better for both of us.

So returning to my title: “We’re Mostly Alike”, I invite all of you to do your best to remember that when you are having difficulty in a relationship, the other person is probably having a hard time, just like you are. And to try to tie this all together, if we can reach out to share what is going on with ourselves with others we trust, it can really make dealing with difficulties easier.

To end, I would really like to hear from some of you about this. Does any of what I have said resonate with, sound familiar, to you? Men, do you sometimes want to “retreat into your cave” when your partner wants to discuss things NOW and get them resolved? Women, do you hate it if your male partner wants to pull away and isolate himself when you want to “work things out”? Does any of this seem obvious? Is any of this new to you? What are your thoughts?

By the way, I have used male/female examples, but the same dynamics apply to partnered relationships of the same gender, and in family and co-worker relationships.

Namaste. Bob

For the past four years, we have been the UK “producers” of a series of USA-based workshops from the “Human Awareness Institute” (”HAI”) called the “Love, Intimacy and Sexuality” workshops. Priya has actually been producing them for almost nine years (before I joined her in England) and I have been deeply involved with them for almost 20 years, mostly in the USA. (I am an American, she is British.)

While we continue to love and support them, we have made a decision to step down from the role of “producing” them. (The workshops will continue in the UK, but produced by others.) Both the decision and the process of stepping down have been quite difficult, and in the “letting go” both of us are learning and growing. I would like to share with you my experience of “letting go”, the “trust” that has taken, and the learning I am gaining from it.

The workshops were created by Dr. Stan Dale almost 40 years ago, and have had more than 70,000 participants. They are mostly weekend residential workshops, and we have been doing about eight annually in the UK.

We really believe in what the workshops offer people, and although we are no longer going to “produce” then, we will still remain very involved with them in the UK.

But this post isn’t about the workshops. It is about what I have been going through “letting go” of running them and how my experiences with this are reflections of other situations in my life.

While I don’t see it :>) , occasionally people have told me that I have a need to control things. (Does that sound familiar to anyone?) Well, Priya and I have been running the HAI workshops for years “our way”. We have refined how we advertise and market them, how we handle all of the logistics of getting a venue and 60 people together, how we support the participants during and after the workshop, and we think we have done it really well. We feel we “know” how to do it.

We are now handing over the workshops to a group of people, all of whom believe in them as we do, and want to see them continue and flourish here in the UK. But….their ideas of “how” that can best be accomplished appears not to be the same way as we have been doing it. Boy, do I find that a struggle to accept! I mean, “We have been doing alright. Why would they want to change things? We knew what we were doing and we were good at it! ….. Don’t they know our way of doing things is the right way?” (Again, does this sound or feel familiar to anyone?)

But what Priya and I truly want is to see HAI-UK grow and be even more successful than it was with us running it - not necessarily in terms of money, but in terms of touching people’s hearts; bringing more love to them; and helping to make the world a better place as a result.

So, I am telling myself: “Take a deep breath, Bob.” (In fact, take several.) Let the new people find their own way. Let them try new things. And trust that out of their love, caring and new, excited energy will grow a HAI-UK that will have a new life and vitality that will enable it to surpass even what we have done for it. “Let go” of having things be done “the way we have always done them”. TRUST!

I need to remind myself something I tend to forget: “The universe supports positive thoughts and actions with vast amounts of positive energy.” I need to remind myself that virtually everytime I have “trusted” that something will work out right, it far exceeded my expectations.

Remember, Bob (I say to myself), it’s simple:

It is OK to let go. You don’t have to do everything yourself.

It is OK to trust. Others can do it too. (Maybe even better.)

It is OK for things to be other than how you think they should be.

Remember these things and you will have less stress and more happiness in your life.

(PS: Words of wisdom: “Saying something is “simple is not the same as saying it is “easy”.)”